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Aunt Lindy's Funeral

May 08, 2018  •  Leave a Comment

The Riverside Herald would like to apologise for a mistake in an earlier report where it said that the much-loved Aunt Lindy sadly passed on the 8thApril. We were of course referring to her millions in savings that were much-loved! Needless to say, such an estate brought out the worst and worst in an abominable list of ‘friends’ and family clambering to claim a share of it. 

 

Be in no doubt, Aunt Lindy was, at best, a mean old cow, making her millions by working hard, working her employees harder and being just plain mean to everybody else. If her passing had happened just a few months earlier it is entirely likely that she would have been visited by the Dickensian spirits of Christmas Past, Present and Future but Tiny Tim would have suffered a very different fate. Or would he?

 

The hot favourite for winning the inheritance was Lindy’s sister Deanna. She is easily spotted permanently wielding a cigarette and a glass of wine whatever she is doing. She moves in the wake of more husbands than Elizabeth Taylor (well not quite) and is currently on her fifth husband Ty. 

 

Ty had his eyes on the money so that he, like many of Deanna’s previous husbands, could do a runner. In their short time together, she has literally rendered him speechless with a bad stammer. There are unconfirmed reports that Aunt Lindy wanted him to ‘Grow a pair’.

 

One of the previous husbands, and nobody really knows which one, managed to continue the family line to the next person who had their eyes on a pay-out, Kate. Kate has followed in the shameless footsteps of her mother but dispensed with the marriage bit and just had a stream of partners that have found their way to her front door. Kate could really have done with the money so that she could buy her underwear from M&S where the quality of the knicker elastic is much stronger!

 

The next generation jump leads us to Aunt Lindy’s three errant great nieces, Georgie, Molly and Anne Marie. Georgie and Molly have been spoilt rotten over the years by Kate who probably financed the expense by raking in bribery money from shamed husbands. Georgie and Molly should have been grateful for anything they got, given that they have broken most of the stuff Lindy ever owned save for a small Rastafarian Pig! Anne Marie is no angel either and returned for the will reading hoping to get some money to pay for her recent, and not the only, visit to The Priory. 

 

As if a bunch of family was not bad enough there are a bunch of other people that thought they deserved something. First and foremost was the local vicar Bob. Purporting to be carrying out God’s work, we can only assume he is moonlighting as contract builder for the top man. He claimed that he wanted the money for the proverbial church roof that allegedly needed fixing. If he had been sober long enough he may have spotted the surveyor Lindy had hired to verify his claims.

 

Lindy’s long-suffering maid Mel thought she had a shout at the title as well but the only thing she has suffered from is lazyitis! If there is one part of her that is not lazy though it is her ears. If the money swung somewhere else, then even those may not have been as acute as she thought they were!

Lastly there is the family solicitor Darryl. At the risk of libel, we would suggest he was a strong contender for being named as the sole beneficiary purely because he had probably re-written the will and forged the signature! He claimed he just wanted enough to put new tyres on the Jag, but the reality is it is more than just his old car the wheels are coming off with an investigation by the Solicitors Regulation Authority breathing down his neck. 

 

The big surprise came though when Darryl opened the will to find out none of them had inherited a single penny but instead just a few ‘reminders’ from Lindy about their chosen lifestyles. Then, with better timing than Mr Ben’s shopkeeper, Lindy’s long-time friend Kathy (code name The Black Widow by the family) appears - as if by magic. She picks up Lindy’s true best, and now very rich, friend still in its deep winter slumber! Dickensian Tiny Tim may have got the goose for Christmas, but our modern day Tiny Tortoise Tim is going to be rolling in lettuce for many years to come!

See all the pictures here


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